I’m trying to stay positive, but lately I’ve been feeling like crap.
I don’t necessarily feel sad, but I know I’m going through a bout of depression. I feel unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve been neglecting myself and it has been hard to find the will to get up and shower or brush my hair and get dressed. I feel numb and empty. My boyfriend honestly makes me really happy, but he’s busy, and I can’t just put it on him to make me happy 24/7. Unless I’m with him, I want to be alone. I’ve been blowing off invitations to hang out with friends.
My parents have been irritable with me and arguing with me a lot. I got into a huge fight with them yesterday because they’re mad that I never spend time with them. They always say, “You’ll be gone in 3 years, you need to spend time with us.” I don’t understand why they even try.
I’m the oldest so I’m not exactly the favorite. My parents constantly fawn over my younger siblings and do shit with them all the time. My dad takes my brother out to the movies or to work with him. He takes my sister out to lunch or clothes shopping. And I’m stuck at home babysitting whatever child was left behind. Or if it’s just me, then I’m alone. “Hanging out” with my parents consists of them putting on a movie we’ve all seen 1,000 times and then playing on their phones. I don’t like being around them because it doesn’t even count if they aren’t paying attention to me. It sucks. I want attention from them, but when I get it, it’s because they’re either nagging at me, or picking on me.
I’ve lost most of my friends. And I push away the ones that I have because I’m not close enough to them to feel comfortable.
I hate feeling this way because I’ve made so much progress with loving myself. But I’ve been relapsing a lot lately. My appointment with my psychiatrist has been put off for another month, but I really need new medication, and I really want to talk with him. I want to see another psychologist. I stopped seeing mine because she was a mean old lady who made me feel worse about myself 60% of the time, and only helped 40%. But my parents don’t want to spend money on another one for me.
I haven’t been able to sleep 90% of the time, even with my pills. But if I do sleep, I oversleep.
I have been having a hard time eating lately..
My boyfriend has been great. He’s just always really busy. I don’t want to hold him back from having fun and being happy.
I’ve self-harmed so fucking much as a way of trying to cope, and my parents never notice even though it’s summer and I wear short sleeves or light cardigans. I mean, I don’t want them to notice, but it just shows that they really don’t pay attention to me.
I’m giving up and I need help. But I don’t know where to get it. I hate admitting to needing help, but I finally am, and there’s no one around to listen…