AP World History

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AP World History is this course that I decided to take my Sophomore year of high school (this coming school year) and I have so many regrets. Because I chose this course, I was required to obtain the book The History of the World in 6 Glasses. I have to write a long ass essay on it. Normally I love reading, but this book seems so BORING. I want to get it over with but I can hardly read a page without feeling bored to death.

Do any of you have tips for me?? I know that I need to read this book, but that’s just not enough motivation to help me through it.

I have until July 31st, because that’s when I go back to school, and that’s when my essay is due. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I also have to study a world map for a test that we’ll be having on the second day of school. Joy. Seems like I picked a fun class…

UPDATE: I have been reading more of the book because I go back to school on the 31st of this month and I need to get this done. It’s still pretty boring and dreadful to read, but I’m about halfway done. However, the essay format is ridiculous and I have no idea how I’ll be able to do this. I need to write 53 paragraphs… Ughhhh

-Raine

Relapse into Depression

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I’m trying to stay positive, but lately I’ve been feeling like crap.

I don’t necessarily feel sad, but I know I’m going through a bout of depression. I feel unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve been neglecting myself and it has been hard to find the will to get up and shower or brush my hair and get dressed. I feel numb and empty. My boyfriend honestly makes me really happy, but he’s busy, and I can’t just put it on him to make me happy 24/7. Unless I’m with him, I want to be alone. I’ve been blowing off invitations to hang out with friends.

My parents have been irritable with me and arguing with me a lot. I got into a huge fight with them yesterday because they’re mad that I never spend time with them. They always say, “You’ll be gone in 3 years, you need to spend time with us.” I don’t understand why they even try.

I’m the oldest so I’m not exactly the favorite. My parents constantly fawn over my younger siblings and do shit with them all the time. My dad takes my brother out to the movies or to work with him. He takes my sister out to lunch or clothes shopping. And I’m stuck at home babysitting whatever child was left behind. Or if it’s just me, then I’m alone. “Hanging out” with my parents consists of them putting on a movie we’ve all seen 1,000 times and then playing on their phones. I don’t like being around them because it doesn’t even count if they aren’t paying attention to me. It sucks. I want attention from them, but when I get it, it’s because they’re either nagging at me, or picking on me.

I’ve lost most of my friends. And I push away the ones that I have because I’m not close enough to them to feel comfortable.

I hate feeling this way because I’ve made so much progress with loving myself. But I’ve been relapsing a lot lately. My appointment with my psychiatrist has been put off for another month, but I really need new medication, and I really want to talk with him. I want to see another psychologist. I stopped seeing mine because she was a mean old lady who made me feel worse about myself 60% of the time, and only helped 40%.  But my parents don’t want to spend money on another one for me.

I haven’t been able to sleep 90% of the time, even with my pills. But if I do sleep, I oversleep.

I have been having a hard time eating lately..

My boyfriend has been great. He’s just always really busy. I don’t want to hold him back from having fun and being happy.

I’ve self-harmed so fucking much as a way of trying to cope, and my parents never notice even though it’s summer and I wear short sleeves or light cardigans. I mean, I don’t want them to notice, but it just shows that they really don’t pay attention to me.

I’m giving up and I need help. But I don’t know where to get it. I hate admitting to needing help, but I finally am, and there’s no one around to listen…

-Raine

Not Good Enough

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I want to feel good enough. I’m tired of constantly putting myself down because everyone else is prettier. I want to be okay with being myself. I want to love myself, even if I’m not the prettiest. I want to be good enough. Good enough for what, I do not know. But I want to stop feeling worthless.

I don’t want to feel like I have to starve myself to be pretty. But that’s what the media shows. So that must be what people like..

I don’t want to cut because I’m tired of being numb. I want to feel happy, but I don’t.

Am I not allowed? Is there something wrong with me??

Why can’t I be like the other girls. Thin and pretty. Why do I feel like shit no matter what I do.

Wearing makeup doesn’t help me feel prettier. Wearing no makeup makes me feel ugly, though. Wearing pretty clothes doesn’t make me happy. But wearing old clothes doesn’t help either. Doing my hair up all nice doesn’t make me feel good. But wearing it natural makes me feel awkward.

I feel so insecure. No matter what I do… nothing helps.

I try to be positive. I smile as much as I can.. but what’s the point in smiling if nobody’s even looking.

I act like I’m happy, so I don’t make people worry, but it just hurts me more.

I want to get better. But I can’t talk to anyone about it. They’ll think I’m a freak or an attention-seeker.

You know what? I do want attention, because I need help.

I am admitting that I need help.

But no one is listening.

These are just rambling thoughts that reach no one who cares.

-Raine