The Start of My Eating Disorder

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I used to be very happy when I lived in New York. I had mostly shitty friends and the weather sucked. But I was happy. However, my mom was not. She started dieting and working out all the time. She was constantly talking to me about calories and fat and carbs and sugars and weight. At first it didn’t bother me. But then I couldn’t stand it and it got to me.

I started going through puberty. (Well, I got boobs in like 3rd grade) but this was when my body started really changing I noticed that I was no longer a stick. I had all these weird new curves. I weighed quite a bit (150) but I did gymnastics, a lot of it was muscle. I became self-conscious and hid my body under hoodies, claiming that it was too cold. I didn’t start starving until I moved to Texas. I moved in the middle of 7th grade. I got to Texas and dropped 20 pounds. Over the summer before 8th grade, I lost about 10 more.

I then weighed 125 pounds. I’ve been 5’5″ since 7th grade. At 5’5″, 125 pounds sounds like the ideal weight. However, for me it wasn’t. You could see my bones sticking out everywhere. My hips jutted out, my ribs showed, my collar bone and cheek bones were prominent, and my spine and shoulders stuck out. My lowest weight was 122. I wanted to be 115.

I thought it was beautiful, even though I secretly knew that it wasn’t.

I’ve been struggling with being healthy ever since, but I’ve recently been gaining muscle weight. I feel pretty good about it. In fact, I felt great. I loved my body. I’m about 130 lbs now, but it fluctuates from 128-130. I LOVED it. Then my dad started commenting on how I still look sick. He touches me shoulders and calls me frail. My mom tells me I have skinny legs. My boyfriend loves me for who I am, but he would prefer if I didn’t have a thigh gap so big I could fit both hands in without touching either leg. He can wrap his hands around my thighs with room left over. My spine shows when I move. My shoulders are uncomfortably bony. Kids at school would call me chicken legs. Friends thought it was funny to pick me up just because they could so easily. One friend made a habit of picking up my desk while I was in it. I thought I was getting better but I guess not.

I’m trying so hard to be healthy, but it still isn’t good enough for everyone.

I want to be good enough so badly…

-Raine

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