Not Good Enough

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I want to feel good enough. I’m tired of constantly putting myself down because everyone else is prettier. I want to be okay with being myself. I want to love myself, even if I’m not the prettiest. I want to be good enough. Good enough for what, I do not know. But I want to stop feeling worthless.

I don’t want to feel like I have to starve myself to be pretty. But that’s what the media shows. So that must be what people like..

I don’t want to cut because I’m tired of being numb. I want to feel happy, but I don’t.

Am I not allowed? Is there something wrong with me??

Why can’t I be like the other girls. Thin and pretty. Why do I feel like shit no matter what I do.

Wearing makeup doesn’t help me feel prettier. Wearing no makeup makes me feel ugly, though. Wearing pretty clothes doesn’t make me happy. But wearing old clothes doesn’t help either. Doing my hair up all nice doesn’t make me feel good. But wearing it natural makes me feel awkward.

I feel so insecure. No matter what I do… nothing helps.

I try to be positive. I smile as much as I can.. but what’s the point in smiling if nobody’s even looking.

I act like I’m happy, so I don’t make people worry, but it just hurts me more.

I want to get better. But I can’t talk to anyone about it. They’ll think I’m a freak or an attention-seeker.

You know what? I do want attention, because I need help.

I am admitting that I need help.

But no one is listening.

These are just rambling thoughts that reach no one who cares.

-Raine

6 thoughts on “Not Good Enough

  1. Your words break my heart because I can relate. Once upon a time I struggled so hard to be who people wanted me to be; spending so much energy and time trying to fit into some ridiculous silhouette created by other people. What you are feeling sucks. It will pass I swear that to you but for now, you have to accept it for what it is. Remember that to appreciate the light you have to experience the darkness. You are glorious x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I used to have these same thoughts when I was younger and I still do now but on a lesser level as an older person. For me, there’s this indescribable feeling of dark emptiness in the pit of my stomach. Like, I want to be like other girls, but than I don’t at the same time. I want to lose weight and be skinny but I love food too much to give up all of my favorite things that I love to eat. There was this push and pull inside me that I kind of just got tired after a while. So, I turned to writing. It’s stress relieving for me. The thoughts that I couldn’t say to another person in fear of judgement, I wrote them down. I think time also helps. The more time you spend thinking about the things that you like or don’t like that makes you who you are helps a little. I didn’t like to wear dresses or makeup nor did I like to curl my hair because I felt so awkward in my own skin but I wanted to be like other girls. At one point, I just asked myself why. Why did I want to be like the rest of the other girls. What good will it do me? I couldn’t come up with an answer, because being like other girls didn’t make me happy. Being me didn’t make me happy either, but it hurts less when I’m not pretending. It was hard, but I had to accept the fact that I’m an awkward person. It takes time to discover who you are as a person.

    Liked by 1 person

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